Tommie Collins

Tommie Collins
True (c)

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Why Did I Get Carried?

TC Presents: “Why Did I Get Carried?”

Working in the club lately has been hilarious. I have seen so many guys trying their hand with ladies and getting SHUT DOWN. These young cats clearly need some guidance, and who better to shoot some wisdom their way then an O.G. like myself. The summer is approaching fast, so fellas take heed to this advice or else you’ll be alone playing Xbox with random fan boys for the next 4 months! So you rolled up on a nice looking young lady at the club, and she dismissed you almost immediately. You think to yourself, WHY DID I GET CARRIED? Well it was probably because:

- YOUR APPROACH SUCKED: You can’t be acting all shy and timid, asking her dumb questions when you first step up to speak to her. Try to make her smile/laugh, and ask open ended questions so that she can’t shut you down with a one word answer. If you still use pickup lines, then you might just want to go ahead and kill yourself after reading this sentence.

-SHE WAS SHOWING OFF FOR HER FRIENDS: If you see a pretty thing that you wanna holla at, the best thing to do is try to get her by herself. I’m not suggesting that you stalk her all around the club until you see her go off on her own( we’ll get to that later) I’m just letting you know that your chances are always better when she’s away from her buddies. There will always be an ugly friend in the bunch that will try to hate because she’s not getting any play. Best thing to do is either catch her by herself, or get a wingman who has a mean set of beer goggles on, if you know what I mean.

-CONFIDENCE, NOT COCKINESS: Yes, women love a confident man, but that doesn’t mean that you should be the ultimate a$$hole when you approach a woman. Flashing your money and bragging about yourself is either going to get you carried, robbed, or classified as a “sponsor.” Either way, you lose.

-YOU DRESS LIKE A TEENAGER: Slim, your skinny jeans, small blazer and plaid bow tie make you look like the Black Pee Wee Herman. You really expect a respectable woman to take you seriously? And on top of that you have on shades in the club: now I’ll admit, I used to do that, and I apologize to all of those whose lives I almost ruined by doing that. Image and video hosting by TinyPic But learn from my mistakes and get some clothes that don’t make you look like a Soulja Boy stunt double.

-YOUR BREATH WAS OFFENSIVE: “Oooh..Your breath smells HARSH, cover your mouth up like you got SARS…” – Kanye West. Drinking dark liquor or thick mixed drinks can leave a sticky feeling in your mouth. That stickiness mixed with thirst, and the heat in your mouth can produce a 5 fingered cloud of stank that will smack the sh*t out of an unsuspecting woman when you say “hello” to her. Keep a bottle of water with you, and invest in some Altoids.

-YOU ARE OLD AS DIRT: Come on son; you’re 40 years old in the club on college night. You pop bottles in front of a crew of girls with “X’s” on their hands trying to impress them. You are a dateline episode just waiting to happen. I think your time has come and gone, and so do the young ladies who you think are smiling at you, but are really laughing at your old ass.

-YOU DANCE LIKE YOU’RE GAY: First off, there’s nothing wrong with being gay. HOWEVER, if you are trying to get a woman to take you seriously, percolating and letting her freak you from behind is NOT the way to do so. I ain’t gonna lie; I had to compose myself when Rihanna’s “Rude Boy” came on in the club the other day. Image and video hosting by TinyPic“WAWN WAWN WAWN WHATCHU WAWN WAWN WAWN…”

-YOU ARE TOO THIRSTY: Fellas you can’t win them all. If she turns you down, just accept it, and move on to the next one. Do NOT proceed to stalk her around the club, trust me it will not make her change her mind about turning you away. Check your ego at the door dude, and don’t let some leggings and a phat ass turn into a restraining order and a lifetime ban from the club.

-YOU ARE TOO WASTED: There’s a fine line between being “nice,” and being just plain TWISTED. If you are slurring your words, spitting, or losing your balance when you’re trying to holla, then you might need to sit down before the room starts spinning on you. There’s nothing more unattractive than a drunk person trying to get at you, you are put in the same bothersome category as a bum asking for change or someone from Greenpeace trying to talk you to death on your lunch break.

Fellas, take heed to this advice and all you’ll do is WIN this summer!! Happy hunting and I’ll see ya’ll next time!



Tommie Collins

Image and video hosting by TinyPic