Every day I wake up at 5:45 am. I reach for my phone to turn the alarm off, and then I check my email, texts & twitter. At this time of the morning there is nothing on my twitter timeline except for strippers, people from California, and twitterscopes. If you don't know what a twitterscope is, it's a automatic "bot" that gives each person who signed up for it a zodiac sign reading for the day. It's quite annoying, if I may say so myself. I decided to fight back and give out my OWN astrology readings, so SUCK ON THIS @twitterscope!!! Enjoy!
Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16.
Capricorns, this year stop being so damn stubborn. And think before you speak because you’re talking yourself out of easy sex.
Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11.
Aquarius you are naturally quiet and shy, so erase all the porn off of your work computer and stop eating condoms. It kinda makes people think that you’re a weirdo.
Pisces: March 11-April 18.
Pisces, you smoke so much weed that your bottom lip looks like Barak Obamas. In 2011, put the weed down and stop eating your childs school lunch.
Aries: April 18-May 13.
Congratulations on being so damn sexy. Now all we have to do is get you some valtrex and a mani/pedi. You have incredible hulk feet.
Taurus: May 13-June 21.
Taurus. Just because you got a little promotion, don’t use this newfound authority to become a douche. And stop shaving all the hair off of your face you’re scaring the little kids at church.
Gemini: June 21-July 20.
Gemini has two sides to them. This year, try to make one of those sides have a job and not be a pathological liar. Put the Xbox controller down and apply for some jobs.
Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10.
The crab. That’s exactly what you are, the Zodiac’s official “Debbie downer,” never missing an opportunity to piss in someones cornflakes. But we need people like you, to post anonymously on internet messageboards and invent ways to jailbreak droids & iphones.
Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16.
In 2011 let’s work on now being so selfish. Anytime you yell out your OWN name during sex, you might just be a tad bit self absorbed.
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30.
Virgos are awesome and easy to get along with. Only thing is, you can’t have sex with everyone you get along with. Get your tubes tied or a vasectomy virgos b4 u end up on Maury 3 times in one year.
Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23.
Libras should totally work on their anger management. No more passive aggressive acts: like slashing tires, or shooting senators in Arizona. Not cool dude, not cool. Tanya Blount is a Libra, so by default I love all Libras.
Scorpio: Nov. 23-29.
Yeah, we all know you have great sex, but your credit score is in the 300’s. You are a walking Cashpoint Commercial. Do better in 2011.
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29-Dec. 17.
You are big and bad, and this is probably why you get arrested a lot. If you don’t change soon I see hard time and ass rapes in your future. I’ll pray for you. And your buttcheeks.
Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20.