Tommie Collins

Tommie Collins
True (c)

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

For The Fellas: Top 5 Targets This Summer

Top 5 Easy Targets this Summer
Fellas, the summer is finally here!! It’s time to shrug off that winter time drought, stop hitting those slumpbusters and get back to your “A” game. In order to help you recruit a noteworthy starting 5, I will tell you the top 5 easiest women to target. Once you have one of these women in your sights, attack with confidence & savageness, but don’t come off as too thirsty:

The “Kid Free for the Summer” chick: She just dropped little “Diron-tay” off to his grandparents for the summer, and already has her happy hour/club schedule made from now until she picks him up. Take advantage of her new found freedom, and her eagerness to let it all hang out. Kindly remind her that there is no aftercare to rush home to, no PTA meetings to attend, and no reason that she can’t stay the night if she’s too drunk to drive home. Lose her number after the school year starts, but find it again during Christmas break.

The “Social Media Starlet:” She has thousands of Facebook friends and her twitter is one big continuous status update that refreshes every 5 minutes. You don’t really need to do anything but “like” a few photos on Facebook, send a couple of steamy DM’s on twitter, and collect the spoils. She’ll let you put it in ANY hole you want, and then tweet about it. The good part about this target is that you’ll be in those guts in 72 hours. The bad part is that in those 72 hours, she will have fallen in love with you, had her first fight with you(on twitter) broke up with you, and then stalked your entire timeline and attacked any female who dared to speak to you.

The “Girl who was Raised by her Brothers:” This woman uses the fact that she grew up around a lot of males to justify all of the casual sex and one night stands that she has. Little does she know that regardless of who raised her, she’s still a whore, and the guys who raised her are whores too. Strap up when you hit this target, and be sure to answer her late night booty texts quickly; she is probably sending out a mass text to see who will answer first.

The “Happy Hour Harlot:” After 3 Patron Margaritas, she’s making out with the nearest human, whether it’s male or female. Under NO circumstances should you kiss this target, because you just might catch mono. Catch her at upscale happy hours doing hoodrat things with older executives, or at 18 & up parties dancing inappropriately hard to average tempo songs. No need to lose her number after the summer, she probably won’t even recognize you after a few weeks of sobriety.

The “Internet Model:” She is in love with her body, and is in search of others to fall in love with it. Everything she has comes from her physical attractiveness, so she throws it around to get all that she can. If you sell her a few dreams she will purchase it with sexual payments. Try to stretch those payments out until around late august, so you can capitalize on the warm weather and her wearing as little clothing as possible. Once the seasons change and she has to wear whole shirts and pants, you need to get lost before she turns you out and you become a sponsor.
Happy Hunting Fellas!!

Friday, March 4, 2011

TC vs Twitterscopes

Every day I wake up at 5:45 am. I reach for my phone to turn the alarm off, and then I check my email, texts & twitter. At this time of the morning there is nothing on my twitter timeline except for strippers, people from California, and twitterscopes. If you don't know what a twitterscope is, it's a automatic "bot" that gives each person who signed up for it a zodiac sign reading for the day. It's quite annoying, if I may say so myself. I decided to fight back and give out my OWN astrology readings, so SUCK ON THIS @twitterscope!!! Enjoy!

Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16.

Capricorns, this year stop being so damn stubborn. And think before you speak because you’re talking yourself out of easy sex.

Feb. 16-March 11.

Aquarius you are naturally quiet and shy, so erase all the porn off of your work computer and stop eating condoms. It kinda makes people think that you’re a weirdo.

March 11-April 18.

Pisces, you smoke so much weed that your bottom lip looks like Barak Obamas. In 2011, put the weed down and stop eating your childs school lunch.

April 18-May 13.

Congratulations on being so damn sexy. Now all we have to do is get you some valtrex and a mani/pedi. You have incredible hulk feet.

May 13-June 21.

Taurus. Just because you got a little promotion, don’t use this newfound authority to become a douche. And stop shaving all the hair off of your face you’re scaring the little kids at church.

June 21-July 20.

Gemini has two sides to them. This year, try to make one of those sides have a job and not be a pathological liar. Put the Xbox controller down and apply for some jobs.

July 20-Aug. 10.

The crab. That’s exactly what you are, the Zodiac’s official “Debbie downer,” never missing an opportunity to piss in someones cornflakes. But we need people like you, to post anonymously on internet messageboards and invent ways to jailbreak droids & iphones.
Aug. 10-Sept. 16.

In 2011 let’s work on now being so selfish. Anytime you yell out your OWN name during sex, you might just be a tad bit self absorbed.
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30.

Virgos are awesome and easy to get along with. Only thing is, you can’t have sex with everyone you get along with. Get your tubes tied or a vasectomy virgos b4 u end up on Maury 3 times in one year.
Oct. 30-Nov. 23.

Libras should totally work on their anger management. No more passive aggressive acts: like slashing tires, or shooting senators in Arizona. Not cool dude, not cool. Tanya Blount is a Libra, so by default I love all Libras.

Scorpio: Nov. 23-29.

Yeah, we all know you have great sex, but your credit score is in the 300’s. You are a walking Cashpoint Commercial. Do better in 2011.

Ophiuchus: Nov. 29-Dec. 17.

You are big and bad, and this is probably why you get arrested a lot. If you don’t change soon I see hard time and ass rapes in your future. I’ll pray for you. And your buttcheeks.

Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20.

You have a huge forehead, and are also very smart. Rihanna has the same problem, but bangs and a few left jabs did wonders for her, maybe you should take notes.

Monday, January 10, 2011

My Ode to Wearing Shades in the Club

You see them every night in the club. They usually have a table, and come through the doors with others like them. They have an "I'm Important" attitude, and usually end up in the V.I.P. section. Them and their crew take so many pictures, you'd think they were in their own personal photoshoot. Soon they are surrounded by women with short dresses and high heels, the waitress brings out champagne and liquor bottles with sparklers attached to them, and they move from the floor to standing on top of couches with their drinks in the air.
Who are "they?"
"They" are the folks who wear SHADES INSIDE OF THE CLUB.

Some folks laugh at them when they walk by. Others shake their heads and jone on them all night. Some even take camera phone pictures of them and send them to websites such as ", or" So much attention is being paid to these sunglassed pseudo stars, yet it doesn't seem like they care. All that seems to matter to them is that they are partying as hard as they can with their crew. So who is actually winning here, the person who got dressed to come to the club and watch other people all night, or the person who is enjoying themselves to the fullest? I'm sure I know what your answer is, even though you might not want to admit it.
I blame music videos, rap music, and Lil Jon for this phenomenon. I also blame groupies, table hoppers, and club managers for allowing and empowering the wearage of sunglasses in the club. If folks didn't think that it was so cool to do it, then less people would wear them in an attempt to recreate their favorite Young Jeezy video. On the other hand, who are we to judge? Not every one reading this is an "Ultimate Fashion Icon." We all have our bama moments, so be careful when you point the finger, because you just may be exposed yourself. An old wise man once told me that "Bamas have the most fun, because they don't give a damn about what others think about them." Ok, that was a crackhead who said that to me. But in that moment of crack rock bliss, he was right. It's evident that they are having a BALL with those tinted spectacles, and those outside of their circle of fun are tuned in; secretly wishing they could party that way. This goes out to everybody who's doing their own thing, having their own fun, and not giving a flaming fawlk about what anyone else is thinking. I am writing this as a former member of the "shades in the club crew"...does it look like I'm worried about people judging me in these pics? I didn't think so. :-)














Tuesday, January 4, 2011

My Ode to Black Love

I love Black love.
It's so hard to find...
Or so people would have you believe...

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