Tommie Collins

Tommie Collins
True (c)

Monday, November 26, 2012

Stalker Songs

Stalker songs
Which Stalker are You?

Zhane- “Crush”
This stalker has a big heart, and it’s full of love for YOU.  Unfortunately, they have never spoken to you, and you don’t know that they exist.  They have written you letters, tweets, facebook messages and emails, and erased them all before sending them.  When you meet someone for the first time and they are very quiet, but you can see them blushing…they just might be overwhelmed because you are their “Crush.”

LL Cool J Ft Boyz II Men-“Hey Lover”
This type of stalker is dangerous, because they claim you as your own, even before uttering a single word to you.  That guy you always see in the grocery store, at the gas station, or at Target. It’s not a coincidence: this bastard is FOLLOWING your ass.  Women carry pepper spray on their keychain just for folks like this.  In the song they say, “This is more than a crush…” hells yes it is.  It’s a potential restraining order.

Genuine-“So Anxious”
Hornball.  Nympho.  Two words to describe Genuine’s overall mood in this song.  “It’s 10:10..WHERE YOU BEEN??”  If you have ever received this message via text message or voicemail then you have a stalker that really wants to hump you.  If they put more than 2 ????”s behind the question, then they want it RAW.

Brandy-“Who’s She To You”
This is the insecure woman’s theme song.  If your woman says this to you, then best believe your phone will be gone through, your tweets will be reviewed, your facebook friends list will be stalked, and your instagram will be thoroughly examined.   This song is playing in the background when your girlfriend hacks your email and finds out that you’re still smashing your baby moms.

The Police- “Every Breath You Take”
This stalker is an old fashioned creep.  The peeping toms, the ass watchers, the perverts of all kinds know this song by heart.  Remember the serial butt slasher?  He had this song on his “butt cut” iPod mix.  When you feel someone watching you from out the side of your eye, just know that you have a quality stalker on your hands, and act accordingly.  Ya’ll might wanna invest in some protection or self-defense classes.

Monday, November 5, 2012

What Your Drink of Choice Says About You

What Your Drink of Choice Says About You
I am a vet!  I have bartended at some of DC’s hottest spots, and I can usually tell a lot about a person just by the drink that they order:  

                                                                  Malibu & Pineapple

Men- Skinny Jeans wearing hipster dudes.  The ones who you can’t tell if they are gay or just very talented.
Women-All about networking, usually have great asses.  And you can usually hit that in about a week, week in a half.
Rum & Coke

Men- Frugal; Marry pretty ladies and cheat on them with trailer trash.  Most sex offenders drink rum & cokes.
Women-Like to dance freaky in the corner by themselves.  Like to make sexy youtube dance videos but never put their face on camera.  If you see your kid’s teacher out drinking rum and coke, switch her to another class.
Apple Martini

Women-Like to put on tight clothes and flirt: love any kind of attention from a man, both good or bad.
Men-Like to put on tight clothes and flirt: Love any kind of attention from a man, both good and bad. 
                                                                   Patron Margarita
Women- Hard working, goal oriented; Looking for a release, trying to let off steam, or just trying to relax from a long day.
Men-Polished, cultured, well dressed, and wealthy.  I had a patron Margarita last week, bitch.

Long Island Ice Tea

Men-Blue Collar workers.  Handy, can fix things and like to build shit.  Could kill you with their bare hands.
Women-Stressed out, have abusive or absent baby daddies.  Dislike the SHIT out of condoms. 
Jack & Coke 

Men-Reformed thugs.  Marry out of their race.  Collects guns and nun chucks and shit.  Often solicit prostitutes.  The Craigslist Killer drank Jack & Cokes.
Women-Aggressive.  Vagina is addictive and can ruin a man’s life.  Sunshine on “Harlem Nights” drank Jack & Cokes and you see how she made dude leave his wife and kids over the phone.

Straight Vodka (Goose, Belvie or Ciroc)

Men-Party Animals; Will fight everytime they go out if they get the opportunity.  Police Officers, ex Military, and Mall Security.
Women-Crazy & Freaky.  Will ask to sniff their man’s penis when he comes home from the bar/club.   Has a lot of twitter & facebook friends.

Cognac (Dark Liquor)

Men-Gangsta.  Has at least 4 tats, 2 of which are on the neck or face.  Women love their chipped tooth.
Women-Smoke Newports, like to dress inappropriately for their body size;  fertile as fuck.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Time is $$MONEY$$

Many folks say that "time is money," which is very true. I think this quote either originated from a popular 70's Pimp, or it was in the bible. Either way, it still holds true to this day. Wanna know what happens in a mere 60 seconds on social media? This will give you an idea of just how many moves can be made in 60 seconds....

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

TC's True (c) Hollywood Stories Vol.3: Showdown

TC’s True © Hollywood Stories Vol III: The Showdown

I was 16 years old, and I was ready to take on the WORLD.  I not only had my driver’s license, but I had access to a FEW cars anytime I needed them.  I felt like I was growing up, and all I needed now was a pretty young lady to spend some time with.  I met a few here and there, but one day I hit the jackpot: I booked a honey named “Tootie” at Addison Road Metro station, and she was BAD.  I called her and we chit chatted all night long, just getting to know one another.  I asked her when I could take her out and she told me that she wanted to go to the Carnival at Forestville Mall for the weekend.   I was down: I went to the mall to get fresh for the carnival, got a fade, washed the car and it was ON!!  I picked her up at 8 o'clock and the night began…
She lived in Doral Terrace in Forestville, which means I had to mentally squad up before I went to pick her up.  I was mean mugged and gritted on approximately 20 times as I walked to and from her apartment.  We got to the Carnival, and everything was going well: I won her a stuffed animal, we had funnel cakes, and went on little stupid rides together.  She was having a great time; I could see it in her face.  In the middle of us having fun, I saw one of my best buddies in the corner of my eye.  I went over to say “wassup” to him and show off my new boo. 
I called his name but he didn’t turn around, so I ran up on him and slapped him in the back of the head (we always did that to each other, just playing around).  As I did that, I looked around at the folks that were around him…I didn’t know ANY of them.  I thought to myself, “Who are these dudes, and why haven’t I met any of them before?”  To my horror, he turned around and IT WAS NOT MY BEST FRIEND.  Same height, same build, same haircut, everything…but it wasn’t him.  I stood there STUCK.  I wanted to say, “My bad dude, I thought you were someone else,” but it didn’t quite come out.  I just stood there and said nothing, waiting for him to react to me slapping the shit out of the back of his head.  He looked at me, stepped back, smiled, and ran around the corner.  I let out a sigh of relief.  I just knew I would have to fight this guy, which would undoubtedly ruin my date with my new little boo.  Lucky for me, everything worked out in my favor, or so I thought.
The Forestville Carnival was a big circle of rides, games, arcades and stands.  We went around the circle about 10 times, each time trying out something new.  Finally we decided we’d go around a few more times and then we would leave.  As we were going around the last circle, I looked ahead and my stomach immediately knotted up; I saw the guy I slapped in the head earlier with 8 of his boys walking towards me.  He was pointing at me, and they were almost running over to where we were standing.  Tootie saw them rushing over towards us and my facial expressions and asked me was everything ok.  I quickly gave her the rundown, and then gave her my keys and told her to run to the car as soon as they got close to me.  I decided that if I was gonna go out, I wasn’t gonna run, I’d just take this ass whuppin like a man.  They finally got right up on me, and the guy stepped up to me.  “So you like slapping people in the back of the head, huh?”  I stepped back and tried to decide which two dudes I was gonna try to punch first before the rest of them destroyed me.  Just as it was about to go down, Tootie jumped in the middle of us and said, “Jamal, WAIT!” 
First of all, I was like “Who in the shit is Jamal?”  And why is Tootie risking her neck to save me in the middle of this dusty ass thugged out mob?  It turned out that Jamal was her cousin, and just happened to be the biggest dustiest dude out of the crew.  He told his crew to hold up, and she told them everything.  The dude who’s head I slapped turned to me and said “Man why didn’t you tell me what happened?  You should have just apologized…we were about to CRUSH you!”  I finally spoke, and I spilled my guts to them.  Surprisingly, they all squashed the beef, and we ended up all walking around the Carnival a little while longer, and even went to Jamal’s van and indulged in some Bob Marley.  I eventually took Tootie home and actually went out with her several times before hitting and quitting it.  I still hang out and party with the guy whose head I slapped, and was even in his wedding as a groomsman.  After that experience, I have NEVER gone over to greet anyone with a slap to the head again, because that situation could have gotten really UGLY.  Until the next time….

Thursday, May 10, 2012

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Tuesday, April 24, 2012

"Your Eyebrows Look Like Nike Signs"

Your Eyebrows look like Nike Signs”

I know you’ve seen the pictures all over Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.  You’ll see a nice looking young lady, posing with one foot in front of the other, with her “pouty lips” poking out and her arm extended with her phone in her hand.  Everything is ok, and you’re about to click the “like” button until you notice…her eyebrows.  Not only are they completely shaved and drawn back on, they are drawn on CROOKED.  Instead of following the natural flow of the eyebrow, they’re drawn on at an angle, giving their face either a surprised or aggressive expression.  

Up until the other day, I would clown the HELL out of females like this.  I used to say that their eyebrows looked like parentheses, or that they looked suspicious because their eyebrows looked like the bad guys in cartoons.  I even terrorized some of my female friends who would draw on their eyebrows by licking my finger and smudging their eyebrows when we were in the club.  I know I know, I can be a complete douche at times.  But the other day, I had a drunkenly honest conversation with one of my buddies at happy hour that made me look at eyebrow art in a different light (Yes, I said eyebrow art).  Allow me to share:
It turns out that some women suffer from Alopecia of the eyebrows.  Alopecia is a medical condition where hair is lost from certain parts of the body.  Some people have it on their scalp, beards, etc.  It’s not contagious, and treatment does not guarantee that the hair will grow back faster or even at all.  In cases where the hair will not grow back at all, folks tend to cover it up, sorta like those dudes with patchy beards who put “Bigen” dye in their beards to make it look full.
 I mean, if you woke up one morning and your eyebrows were slowly fading away, you would have to do something, right?  This is why they draw them on, because a drawn on eyebrow looks much better than no damn eyebrow at all.  I never knew that this condition could happen in an area other than the scalp, and I’m glad that after 3 long islands and a kamikaze shot I was able to find out this information.  So the next time you see a female with drawn on eyebrows that might not be symmetrical to one another, cut her some slack; she might have a condition that she can’t help.  This has been a TC Public Service Announcement; share it with your friends! 

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Cuffing Season: THE AFTERMATH

Ladies and Gentlemen, CUFFING SEASON is officially OVER. Usually, we'd have another few weeks to snuggle and hibernate, but due to an early batch of spring weather, it's time to loosen those handcuffs and jump back in to the reckless behavior that the warmer months call for. But what if you kinda like being boo'ed up? What if you're not ready for cuffing season to be over? Maybe the season has spoiled you, and you realize that you've found someone that you genuinely care about. Well, this article is for you. If you have caught legitimate feelings during cuffing season that will spill over into the spring/summertime, then here are "THINGS TO DO WITH YOUR BOO AFTER CUFFING SEASON."
Some of you are used to breaking up or slowly disappearing from someone's life around this time of the year. You're now sitting back wondering what to do now that you have a "plus one" in April. Do not fear, there are plenty of things you can get into. Here are a few that I came up just for you:
-Picnics: Sounds corny at first glance, until I mention two ingredients that will make it more exciting; ALCOHOL and HEAD. Find you a non creepy spot out in MD or VA, and get it POPPIN & BOPPIN. Don't forget to pack some Redberry & Baby Wipes for the trip!!
-Bowling: Go with a group or just by yourself. It's even more fun when you compete with one another; bet each other crazy sexual favors to make the game more competitive, e.g. "If you get a strike, I'll give you 10 pumps in the women's bathroom."
-Swimming: You get to see your boo half naked and wet at the same time; this is a WIN WIN situation! If neither of you can swim, taking lessons together can be something that you can do after work or on the weekends.
-Happy Hour: Bar hopping with your boo is AWESOME. Turn a long day at work into a stress relieving drink session at your favorite bar(s). Find a nice HH that does Karaoke and sing a duet or even make up a dance routine. Have a ball in your own little world, while everyone else is looking at you two like "WTF??"
-Plant Something Together: I know this sounds corny, but just think of the money you can save if you grow things that you smo...I mean eat on a regular basis. You no longer have to call someone to get your wee...I mean to get your vegetables, you can just go to the backyard, and you have your own homegrown greenery!
-Cookout: Ladies love a guy that knows how to man the grill. Fellas, have your lady come up with some new dishes that she can make while you're grilling, so that she won't be in your face every 10 minutes asking "is it ready?" Also, marinate everything that you cook in cognac. Trust me.
-Road Trips: Grab a few of your friends or even another couple and head out of town. The simple things that you may do daily are so much more fun when you're in a town where nobody knows your name. Discover new things, make some memories and snap thousands of twitpics so that you'll be able to look back and remember the great time you had in that city.
These few suggestions should get you started, if you have any that you want to share, leave them in the comment section. Happy Cuffing!!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Signs that She May be Too Young for You

Signs that She May be Too Young for You

Yes fellas, I know that she is THICKA than a SNICKA….I know she wears those tights with little shirts that don’t even cover up her butt…I know she flaunts it in your face while she smiles and laughs and sucks on a lollipop..but it’s all just for ATTENTION. All that glitters ain't gold, and if it is gold, than its FOOLS GOLD. Ya’ll gotta leave these youngens alone, they’ll ruin your life. Or you’ll ruin their life, and they’ll find a way to ruin yours. Every now and then you’ll find one that’s worth keeping, but those are so few and far in between that you shouldn’t count on it. For those who are blinded by the booty and have a hard time figuring out what’s too young and what’s fair’s not about the number (as long as they are over 18). It’s how they act, how they were raised, and a bunch of other factors. What factors are those you ask? Read on….


-She dresses up like she’s going to a Gala just to hit the grocery store;
-She collects cheap purses and shoes (be careful, some old chicks do that too)
-Her ringtones are Waka Flocka, Lil Boosie, or anyone on the Maybach Music label’s songs;
-She asks you, “What do you like on your Steak-ums?” when you ask her to cook for you;
-She’s in the club DAILY, even on Sundays;
-She has a child named after one of the 64 Crayola Crayon colors;
-She doesn’t read any newspapers or watch the news, just updates from mediatakeout &;
-She doesn’t have a savings account, just a rush card that’s linked to her PayPal;
-She hangs out at Gallery Place;
-She says she has a part time job, come to find out she’s the official loc twister for a go go band;
-two words: colored contacts;
-She thinks “Mint Condition” is a hair product;
-She’s not registered to vote unless it’s American Idol;
-She gets your initials on her big toe when she gets a pedi;
-She poses with the “pouty lips” in her driver’s license photo;
-Her grandmother is 35;
-Her makeup matches her tights;
-She has “trap star” tattooed on her neck(in Japanese);

A wise man once said “Age ain’t Nothing but a Number,” (wasn’t that in the bible?? Or was that Aalyiah?) So when you are dealing with someone who is younger than you, it’s all about their maturity level. But if you see her displaying more than just a few of the attributes that I listed above, you might wanna rethink your next move old man.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Happy Hour vs. The Club

Happy Hour vs. The Club

Now that a brotha is getting older, I find it less and less appealing to hit the club every weekend. Along with the fact that I’ve worked there for 10 years, the allure of hitting the streets on a daily basis just isn’t there anymore. I’ve found that hitting an occasional happy hour is just as or even MORE fun than hitting the nightlife, and I’m here to tell you why:

1) NO DRESS CODE: To hell with going out to buy something new to wear to the club. At Happy Hour you come as you are, and no one looks at you funny. You can come straight from work, straight from the block, or straight from prison and you’ll STILL be dressed to DRINK.

2) NO COVER CHARGE: You don’t have to worry about getting a free text, RSVP-ing, or rushing your girlfriends to get dressed so you can get there before midnight. Happy Hour is FREE(just make sure you get there before the drink specials end!)

3) EXPAND YOUR HORIZONS: You never know who you’ll end up chatting with at the bar. You can be sitting next to a rocket scientist or a stripper; either way you’ll be strengthening your brain. (you see what I did there?)

4) AGE AINT NOTHING BUT A NUMBER: You don’t have to worry about looking at someone’s hand to see if there is an “X” on it: everyone at happy hour gets carded, so if they’re old enough to get DRUNK, they’re old enough for you to SKRUNK.

5) BAR GAMES: Go to a bar on Saturday. Find the loudest crew at the bar. Tell the bartender to turn the TV to Sportscenter. Tell them you should all take a shot every time someone on ESPN says “TEBOW.” p.s. get a designated driver before you do this.

6) LEARN THE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE: No matter what your race, no matter what your religion, there is always one thing that two people can agree on: Tequila.

7) GROUP SONGS: If you haven’t been out drinking with a rack of broken-english speaking Asians who are all rapping the lyrics to “It Takes Two” at the top of their lungs…then you haven’t lived. PERIOD.

8) EASY SCORING: Unlike the club, you don’t have to hunt your prey…sometimes you can just be…THERE, and it’ll fall right in your lap. Literally.

Twitter: @tommiecollins