Stalker Songs

Stalker songs

Which Stalker are You?

Zhane- “Crush”
http://youtu.be/EUg0u1Ul25Y

This stalker has a big heart, and it’s full of love for YOU.  Unfortunately, they have never spoken to you, and you don’t know that they exist.  They have written you letters, tweets, facebook messages and emails, and erased them all before sending them.  When you meet someone for the first time and they are very quiet, but you can see them blushing…they just might be overwhelmed because you are their “Crush.”

LL Cool J Ft Boyz II Men-“Hey Lover”
http://youtu.be/Um99r6sgspY

This type of stalker is dangerous, because they claim you as your own, even before uttering a single word to you.  That guy you always see in the grocery store, at the gas station, or at Target. It’s not a coincidence: this bastard is FOLLOWING your ass.  Women carry pepper spray on their keychain just for folks like this.  In the song they say, “This is more than a crush…” hells yes it is.  It’s a potential restraining order.

Genuine-“So Anxious”
http://youtu.be/JEQaJj1qaAU

Hornball.  Nympho.  Two words to describe Genuine’s overall mood in this song.  “It’s 10:10..WHERE YOU BEEN??”  If you have ever received this message via text message or voicemail then you have a stalker that really wants to hump you.  If they put more than 2 ????”s behind the question, then they want it RAW.

Brandy-“Who’s She To You”
http://youtu.be/sD6X41v3Zz0

This is the insecure woman’s theme song.  If your woman says this to you, then best believe your phone will be gone through, your tweets will be reviewed, your facebook friends list will be stalked, and your instagram will be thoroughly examined.   This song is playing in the background when your girlfriend hacks your email and finds out that you’re still smashing your baby moms.

The Police- “Every Breath You Take” http://youtu.be/OMOGaugKpzs

This stalker is an old fashioned creep.  The peeping toms, the ass watchers, the perverts of all kinds know this song by heart.  Remember the serial butt slasher?  He had this song on his “butt cut” iPod mix.  When you feel someone watching you from out the side of your eye, just know that you have a quality stalker on your hands, and act accordingly.  Ya’ll might wanna invest in some protection or self-defense classes.

What Your Drink of Choice Says About You

What Your Drink of Choice Says About You

I am a vet!  I have bartended at some of DC’s hottest spots, and I can usually tell a lot about a person just by the drink that they order:  

                                                                  Malibu & Pineapple

                                                                                 
Men- Skinny Jeans wearing hipster dudes.  The ones who you can’t tell if they are gay or just very talented.
Women-All about networking, usually have great asses.  And you can usually hit that in about a week, week in a half.

Rum & Coke

Men- Frugal; Marry pretty ladies and cheat on them with trailer trash.  Most sex offenders drink rum & cokes.
Women-Like to dance freaky in the corner by themselves.  Like to make sexy youtube dance videos but never put their face on camera.  If you see your kid’s teacher out drinking rum and coke, switch her to another class.

Apple Martini

Women-Like to put on tight clothes and flirt: love any kind of attention from a man, both good or bad.
Men-Like to put on tight clothes and flirt: Love any kind of attention from a man, both good and bad. 

                                                                   Patron Margarita

                                                                                    

Women- Hard working, goal oriented; Looking for a release, trying to let off steam, or just trying to relax from a long day.

Men-Polished, cultured, well dressed, and wealthy.  I had a patron Margarita last week, bitch.

Long Island Ice Tea

Men-Blue Collar workers.  Handy, can fix things and like to build shit.  Could kill you with their bare hands.

Women-Stressed out, have abusive or absent baby daddies.  Dislike the SHIT out of condoms. 

Jack & Coke 

Men-Reformed thugs.  Marry out of their race.  Collects guns and nun chucks and shit.  Often solicit prostitutes.  The Craigslist Killer drank Jack & Cokes.
Women-Aggressive.  Vagina is addictive and can ruin a man’s life.  Sunshine on “Harlem Nights” drank Jack & Cokes and you see how she made dude leave his wife and kids over the phone.

Straight Vodka (Goose, Belvie or Ciroc)

Men-Party Animals; Will fight everytime they go out if they get the opportunity.  Police Officers, ex Military, and Mall Security.
Women-Crazy & Freaky.  Will ask to sniff their man’s penis when he comes home from the bar/club.   Has a lot of twitter & facebook friends.

Cognac (Dark Liquor)

Men-Gangsta.  Has at least 4 tats, 2 of which are on the neck or face.  Women love their chipped tooth.
Women-Smoke Newports, like to dress inappropriately for their body size;  fertile as fuck.