Cuffing Season: THE AFTERMATH

Ladies and Gentlemen, CUFFING SEASON is officially OVER. Usually, we'd have another few weeks to snuggle and hibernate, but due to an early batch of spring weather, it's time to loosen those handcuffs and jump back in to the reckless behavior that the warmer months call for. But what if you kinda like being boo'ed up? What if you're not ready for cuffing season to be over? Maybe the season has spoiled you, and you realize that you've found someone that you genuinely care about. Well, this article is for you. If you have caught legitimate feelings during cuffing season that will spill over into the spring/summertime, then here are "THINGS TO DO WITH YOUR BOO AFTER CUFFING SEASON."
Some of you are used to breaking up or slowly disappearing from someone's life around this time of the year. You're now sitting back wondering what to do now that you have a "plus one" in April. Do not fear, there are plenty of things you can get into. Here are a few that I came up just for you:
-Picnics: Sounds corny at first glance, until I mention two ingredients that will make it more exciting; ALCOHOL and HEAD. Find you a non creepy spot out in MD or VA, and get it POPPIN & BOPPIN. Don't forget to pack some Redberry & Baby Wipes for the trip!!
-Bowling: Go with a group or just by yourself. It's even more fun when you compete with one another; bet each other crazy sexual favors to make the game more competitive, e.g. "If you get a strike, I'll give you 10 pumps in the women's bathroom."
-Swimming: You get to see your boo half naked and wet at the same time; this is a WIN WIN situation! If neither of you can swim, taking lessons together can be something that you can do after work or on the weekends.
-Happy Hour: Bar hopping with your boo is AWESOME. Turn a long day at work into a stress relieving drink session at your favorite bar(s). Find a nice HH that does Karaoke and sing a duet or even make up a dance routine. Have a ball in your own little world, while everyone else is looking at you two like "WTF??"
-Plant Something Together: I know this sounds corny, but just think of the money you can save if you grow things that you smo...I mean eat on a regular basis. You no longer have to call someone to get your wee...I mean to get your vegetables, you can just go to the backyard, and you have your own homegrown greenery!
-Cookout: Ladies love a guy that knows how to man the grill. Fellas, have your lady come up with some new dishes that she can make while you're grilling, so that she won't be in your face every 10 minutes asking "is it ready?" Also, marinate everything that you cook in cognac. Trust me.
-Road Trips: Grab a few of your friends or even another couple and head out of town. The simple things that you may do daily are so much more fun when you're in a town where nobody knows your name. Discover new things, make some memories and snap thousands of twitpics so that you'll be able to look back and remember the great time you had in that city.
These few suggestions should get you started, if you have any that you want to share, leave them in the comment section. Happy Cuffing!!

Signs that She May be Too Young for You

Signs that She May be Too Young for You

Yes fellas, I know that she is THICKA than a SNICKA….I know she wears those tights with little shirts that don’t even cover up her butt…I know she flaunts it in your face while she smiles and laughs and sucks on a lollipop..but it’s all just for ATTENTION. All that glitters ain't gold, and if it is gold, than its FOOLS GOLD. Ya’ll gotta leave these youngens alone, they’ll ruin your life. Or you’ll ruin their life, and they’ll find a way to ruin yours. Every now and then you’ll find one that’s worth keeping, but those are so few and far in between that you shouldn’t count on it. For those who are blinded by the booty and have a hard time figuring out what’s too young and what’s fair game...it’s not about the number (as long as they are over 18). It’s how they act, how they were raised, and a bunch of other factors. What factors are those you ask? Read on….

SHE MIGHT BE TOO YOUNG FOR YOU IF:

-She dresses up like she’s going to a Gala just to hit the grocery store;
-She collects cheap purses and shoes (be careful, some old chicks do that too)
-Her ringtones are Waka Flocka, Lil Boosie, or anyone on the Maybach Music label’s songs;
-She asks you, “What do you like on your Steak-ums?” when you ask her to cook for you;
-She’s in the club DAILY, even on Sundays;
-She has a child named after one of the 64 Crayola Crayon colors;
-She doesn’t read any newspapers or watch the news, just updates from mediatakeout & worldstarhiphop.com;
-She doesn’t have a savings account, just a rush card that’s linked to her PayPal;
-She hangs out at Gallery Place;
-She says she has a part time job, come to find out she’s the official loc twister for a go go band;
-two words: colored contacts;
-She thinks “Mint Condition” is a hair product;
-She’s not registered to vote unless it’s American Idol;
-She gets your initials on her big toe when she gets a pedi;
-She poses with the “pouty lips” in her driver’s license photo;
-Her grandmother is 35;
-Her makeup matches her tights;
-She has “trap star” tattooed on her neck(in Japanese);

A wise man once said “Age ain’t Nothing but a Number,” (wasn’t that in the bible?? Or was that Aalyiah?) So when you are dealing with someone who is younger than you, it’s all about their maturity level. But if you see her displaying more than just a few of the attributes that I listed above, you might wanna rethink your next move old man.

Happy Hour vs. The Club

Happy Hour vs. The Club

Now that a brotha is getting older, I find it less and less appealing to hit the club every weekend. Along with the fact that I’ve worked there for 10 years, the allure of hitting the streets on a daily basis just isn’t there anymore. I’ve found that hitting an occasional happy hour is just as or even MORE fun than hitting the nightlife, and I’m here to tell you why:

1) NO DRESS CODE: To hell with going out to buy something new to wear to the club. At Happy Hour you come as you are, and no one looks at you funny. You can come straight from work, straight from the block, or straight from prison and you’ll STILL be dressed to DRINK.

2) NO COVER CHARGE: You don’t have to worry about getting a free text, RSVP-ing, or rushing your girlfriends to get dressed so you can get there before midnight. Happy Hour is FREE(just make sure you get there before the drink specials end!)

3) EXPAND YOUR HORIZONS: You never know who you’ll end up chatting with at the bar. You can be sitting next to a rocket scientist or a stripper; either way you’ll be strengthening your brain. (you see what I did there?)

4) AGE AINT NOTHING BUT A NUMBER: You don’t have to worry about looking at someone’s hand to see if there is an “X” on it: everyone at happy hour gets carded, so if they’re old enough to get DRUNK, they’re old enough for you to SKRUNK.

5) BAR GAMES: Go to a bar on Saturday. Find the loudest crew at the bar. Tell the bartender to turn the TV to Sportscenter. Tell them you should all take a shot every time someone on ESPN says “TEBOW.” p.s. get a designated driver before you do this.

6) LEARN THE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE: No matter what your race, no matter what your religion, there is always one thing that two people can agree on: Tequila.

7) GROUP SONGS: If you haven’t been out drinking with a rack of broken-english speaking Asians who are all rapping the lyrics to “It Takes Two” at the top of their lungs…then you haven’t lived. PERIOD.

8) EASY SCORING: Unlike the club, you don’t have to hunt your prey…sometimes you can just be…THERE, and it’ll fall right in your lap. Literally.

Twitter: @tommiecollins

For The Fellas: Top 5 Targets This Summer

Top 5 Easy Targets this Summer
Fellas, the summer is finally here!! It’s time to shrug off that winter time drought, stop hitting those slumpbusters and get back to your “A” game. In order to help you recruit a noteworthy starting 5, I will tell you the top 5 easiest women to target. Once you have one of these women in your sights, attack with confidence & savageness, but don’t come off as too thirsty:

The “Kid Free for the Summer” chick: She just dropped little “Diron-tay” off to his grandparents for the summer, and already has her happy hour/club schedule made from now until she picks him up. Take advantage of her new found freedom, and her eagerness to let it all hang out. Kindly remind her that there is no aftercare to rush home to, no PTA meetings to attend, and no reason that she can’t stay the night if she’s too drunk to drive home. Lose her number after the school year starts, but find it again during Christmas break.

The “Social Media Starlet:” She has thousands of Facebook friends and her twitter is one big continuous status update that refreshes every 5 minutes. You don’t really need to do anything but “like” a few photos on Facebook, send a couple of steamy DM’s on twitter, and collect the spoils. She’ll let you put it in ANY hole you want, and then tweet about it. The good part about this target is that you’ll be in those guts in 72 hours. The bad part is that in those 72 hours, she will have fallen in love with you, had her first fight with you(on twitter) broke up with you, and then stalked your entire timeline and attacked any female who dared to speak to you.

The “Girl who was Raised by her Brothers:” This woman uses the fact that she grew up around a lot of males to justify all of the casual sex and one night stands that she has. Little does she know that regardless of who raised her, she’s still a whore, and the guys who raised her are whores too. Strap up when you hit this target, and be sure to answer her late night booty texts quickly; she is probably sending out a mass text to see who will answer first.

The “Happy Hour Harlot:” After 3 Patron Margaritas, she’s making out with the nearest human, whether it’s male or female. Under NO circumstances should you kiss this target, because you just might catch mono. Catch her at upscale happy hours doing hoodrat things with older executives, or at 18 & up parties dancing inappropriately hard to average tempo songs. No need to lose her number after the summer, she probably won’t even recognize you after a few weeks of sobriety.

The “Internet Model:” She is in love with her body, and is in search of others to fall in love with it. Everything she has comes from her physical attractiveness, so she throws it around to get all that she can. If you sell her a few dreams she will purchase it with sexual payments. Try to stretch those payments out until around late august, so you can capitalize on the warm weather and her wearing as little clothing as possible. Once the seasons change and she has to wear whole shirts and pants, you need to get lost before she turns you out and you become a sponsor.

Happy Hunting Fellas!!

TC vs Twitterscopes

Every day I wake up at 5:45 am. I reach for my phone to turn the alarm off, and then I check my email, texts & twitter. At this time of the morning there is nothing on my twitter timeline except for strippers, people from California, and twitterscopes. If you don't know what a twitterscope is, it's a automatic "bot" that gives each person who signed up for it a zodiac sign reading for the day. It's quite annoying, if I may say so myself. I decided to fight back and give out my OWN astrology readings, so SUCK ON THIS @twitterscope!!! Enjoy!

Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16.

Capricorns, this year stop being so damn stubborn. And think before you speak because you’re talking yourself out of easy sex.

Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11.

Aquarius you are naturally quiet and shy, so erase all the porn off of your work computer and stop eating condoms. It kinda makes people think that you’re a weirdo.

Pisces: March 11-April 18.

Pisces, you smoke so much weed that your bottom lip looks like Barak Obamas. In 2011, put the weed down and stop eating your childs school lunch.

Aries: April 18-May 13.

Congratulations on being so damn sexy. Now all we have to do is get you some valtrex and a mani/pedi. You have incredible hulk feet.

Taurus: May 13-June 21.

Taurus. Just because you got a little promotion, don’t use this newfound authority to become a douche. And stop shaving all the hair off of your face you’re scaring the little kids at church.

Gemini: June 21-July 20.

Gemini has two sides to them. This year, try to make one of those sides have a job and not be a pathological liar. Put the Xbox controller down and apply for some jobs.

Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10.

The crab. That’s exactly what you are, the Zodiac’s official “Debbie downer,” never missing an opportunity to piss in someones cornflakes. But we need people like you, to post anonymously on internet messageboards and invent ways to jailbreak droids & iphones.
Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16.

In 2011 let’s work on now being so selfish. Anytime you yell out your OWN name during sex, you might just be a tad bit self absorbed.
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30.

Virgos are awesome and easy to get along with. Only thing is, you can’t have sex with everyone you get along with. Get your tubes tied or a vasectomy virgos b4 u end up on Maury 3 times in one year.
Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23.

Libras should totally work on their anger management. No more passive aggressive acts: like slashing tires, or shooting senators in Arizona. Not cool dude, not cool. Tanya Blount is a Libra, so by default I love all Libras.

Scorpio: Nov. 23-29.

Yeah, we all know you have great sex, but your credit score is in the 300’s. You are a walking Cashpoint Commercial. Do better in 2011.

Ophiuchus: Nov. 29-Dec. 17.

You are big and bad, and this is probably why you get arrested a lot. If you don’t change soon I see hard time and ass rapes in your future. I’ll pray for you. And your buttcheeks.

Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20.

You have a huge forehead, and are also very smart. Rihanna has the same problem, but bangs and a few left jabs did wonders for her, maybe you should take notes.